rock bottom

Disappointments after disappointments. Today’s a new rock bottom for this year, and I’m drilling my way deeper still. Thoughts running in circles through my mind and I really have no answers to the questions that rise like the first flowers of spring. Growing, branching and filling every last bit of the sane me. Today i made a decision; to bury myself, to slowly let my existence fade away, only to leave a rosebud as evidence. Today I made a decision; to start all over as soon as possible. Leave everything behind, move and get myself a new job. To be honest: I really can’t take this anymore. This pain, this anger, this frustration, whatever you can call this. As soon as possible, this can take a year or a week I really don’t care, as long as I make it. I need to get away.

Today is a day my only goal is to make it till tomorrow, to make it to a better day. Today is a day of defeat; maybe I’m the one making it through this day. Maybe I’m the one defeating this hole, pit, well that I’ve fallen into. Maybe I will climb back up and be stronger than ever. Maybe I should build impenetrable walls for protection. maybe I’ll find some answers and maybe these answers will be positive one, not raising any new questions with them.
Today is a day of dreams, dreams of a time gone, a time coming and times never existed. Dreams of peace, of freedom and of joy that will never happen. Dreams of emptiness.

Today i found rock bottom and it’s pitch dark down here.  Still I’m making my way deeper into the darkness, there’s no flash of light, there’s no glimpse of hope and no touch of strength. I’m weak, the strength in my body and soul left for whatever reason. I’m depressed, my hope vanished without leaving a trace. I’m afraid, really afraid of the darkness that fills my whole entity.

Maybe tomorrow will bring light, my guess is as good as yours.

mata ne
/aku

PS: Skriver detta på engelska för att det är lättare att uttrycka sig på det viset. DS